I didn’t know what I would discover about myself this school year. I knew it would be different but I didn’t know I would start thinking of myself as cute. I never really thought of myself as truly cute. Every once in a while someone would give me a compliment, but I wouldn’t put much trust into it. “Cute? Me? Ehh, if you say so. . . what’s the definition of cute we’re going by?” I thought I had days where I was handsome but it wasn’t an everyday occurrence. However, by the end of this school year though I found something I majorly lacked – self-worth.
Throw me into a project that I have worked on, and I’m confident. Maybe slightly cocky. I’ve rehearsed, I know my topic and I have that success swagger about me. I’m in my element. I can walk up to a professional and start a conversation like we have been to each other’s homes.
Put me into a room with a guy I’m attracted to and I question everything about me. “He may find me too outgoing,” “He could think I’m this annoying overachiever,” but always, “He won’t think I’m cute.” I second guess everything.
At the end of the first semester I was done with the school year in so many ways. By Friday 5 p.m. I would be exhausted every week. I was struggling to maintain some friendships. Dating was horrible, including not only being stood up for a date but then finding out the guy went out our date with someone else. I just didn’t have enough focus on myself. On the bright side I was growing professionally and academically. You have to look at the bright side.
Winter break I sat outside of Panera with two friends at 9 or 10 p.m. one night. I wasn’t happy with things I really wasn’t. I wanted things to be different. I wanted to not be so caught up in everything I did. I wanted to have more fun. I wanted to have better luck with dating. I wanted my life to be validated more. My friends told me what I needed to hear. Sometimes you’re tired but you need to go out Friday night anyway. Stop doing things you don’t want to do. “I’m not involved with anything I don’t want to be.” Be around friends and people you like.
I may have taken this advice too much to heart sometimes, but I found myself more this semester. I’m always scared of disappointing people. I’m scared that if I take a risk and chat up that guy, I’ll be rejected. So what? Every day is a new day. I still have to be strategic, but I am worthy of happiness and I am cute. Even sexy. I just need to have fun, make small strides to the future and worry making myself happy.
Now I’m done with classes, packing up from the residence hall and looking towards the next four months of summer ahead. The Summer of Me.
A summer of growth and adventure awaits. Today I started writing my goals for the next three months, six months, year and graduation. To my dating life I say let’s get on the back burner until the fall. The crush in my last post (He Has a Crush on You) is still there, but it’s the end of the school year so I can’t act on it. To work I say let’s go to a new level. I’ve made one year and there is no end is in sight. To the friends of summer let’s have the time of our lives.
I’m excited to mainly focus on myself the next few months. The Summer of Me is here.
I hope you enjoyed this post! Feel free to comment, follow/tweet me on Twitter @JarrydK, or ask me questions anonymously at http://formspring.com/jarrydboyd. ___________________________________________