Maybe I set myself up for an emotional failure. When rejected I want to forget it happened. A drive-by of emotions that I want to pretend never happened.
But eventually, down the line, the emotions reappear. Not the hopeful ones but the hurt ones. The ones not wanting to accept feeling rejected. That wonder why I wasn’t a fit. Was I not cute enough or charming enough?
In this moment I will tell you how I feel. You won’t feel the same way. But I will play it off. I will think this is me being mature and showing you didn’t hurt me. I’ll say something deep like “To love and to be hurt often and to love again, this is the brave and happy life.” And you’ll think how great I am handling this and you didn’t really hurt me. I want you to feel okay about what transpired even though I don’t.
Later this will sink in. Part of me will blame myself. Being mature isn’t fun. Probably because I see being mature as not appearing hurt or at least conveying it. I need to learn it’s okay to be hurt and sit in that feeling while it’s fresh.
This was a drive-by. A drive-by of emotions. The pain will not sink in at first but eventually . . . eventually it will.
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