Today marks the beginning of the second half of the year and what strikes the beginning of my senior year. I walk forward into the last round of college and think back on junior year.
Within this last year, I changed my job and transitioned once again while at the same company. I served on the Pride board and am returning to a second year in that position. I felt the initial decline of some friendships, while feeling the fortification of friendship to certain people I hope will be guiding lights to my future self and children. I lost the chance to be at the helm of an organization I loved so much. I learned to appreciate family more. I sat with friends as they cried, and they sat with me as I cried. We pulled each other up when the world told us we should be down.
I gave guys repeated chances I thought would change, and I repeatedly put myself out there in ways I thought I never would. I tried to remake memories such as prom, only to be left alone 20 minutes into it – never having felt so disappointed and frustrated and not understanding a situation. I went on a real date, only to discover that two good people don’t make for a mutual spark. I went after guys with the aloof vibe, “I’m cool. You’re cool. We should be cool together.” While really thinking, “You’re hot. I’m cute at the very least. We flirt. Come on and let’s actually make something happen.” I found peace with the past and accepted that expectations, don’t sometimes meet reality.
In dark places you sometimes find the most genuine you. When you give up hope, you realize that thoughts equal reality. When this last school year started, I told a friend I didn’t have many expectations for the year. I thought I was being realistic. But who says we have to live in the harsh reality of the world when we can strive for the reality of our dreams.
To the guys of my heart’s desire I say – Sorry for any crazy moments of, “I like you. When are we going to hang out? (one day later) What are you up to?” and to the guy I was crushing on on my 21st birthday and unlucky while also SO LUCKY enough to be in my line of vision when I had to kiss five people – I’m still unapologetic that you got probably kissed at least five times. But who remembers. . .Come on you liked feeding me that cupcake.
To my dating self – Sorry we went too far and crazy at times and didn’t expect more. I think our crazy though is on the same level as anyone else’s though, so no worries. We deserve the best, and we’re on the road to the best. Don’t you worry child though. Whether a year or 50 from now, it’ll come. In the meantime, we can keep unapologetically Instacrushing on @juancherangel – if not potentially marrying him.
To my friends – I’m in awe of how the best of humanity is represented in y’all. I continue to be humbled by the fact such ambitious, friendly, fun, ecstatic, authentic, funny, strong, resilient, growing people chose to be friends with me. I’m truly better for knowing y’all.
Junior year was to stray down paths I never thought I would, only to discover that I am more courageous, bold and unassuming than I ever thought I would be.
Senior year – the year of the independent hustler and a return to the enthusiastic dreamer! All with A Touch of Bold.