I haven’t had a real relationship. That scares me.

I remember one time I sat alone with my maternal grandmother and asked her who was the great love of her life. She told me she doesn’t have one. I pressed for more information, and she explained that there were men she thought were the great loves of her life in the moment, but they didn’t last. Now she doesn’t know if they were great loves of her life.

When I think about my single grandparents and parents, I sometimes wonder if I’m “doomed” to repeat familial patterns in dating and love. While my career and life in NYC showcase that I can stop history from repeating itself in many ways, I wonder if I’m capable of one day falling in love and being loved back in a healthy, lifetime enduring romantic relationship.

Facebook this week has been post after post of new relationships, engagements and marriages. Combine that with being the only single person on my local team at work. OR the third/fifth wheeling it I experience when out with friends sometimes. OR the times where I call best friends to catch up and only to have the reminder in the back of my mind – you’re basically the only single one. I wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? Is everyone falling in love but me?”

I fall prey to comparing myself to others. I tell myself you’re doing fine, but then I wonder, “If I’m doing fine, why am I single?”

If I’m being honest about my dating life, I’ve failed time after time at meeting a guy I could develop a relationship with. At 23 I haven’t had a real relationship. That scares me. Yes, I’ve dated guys over very short stints. Yet ultimately they haven’t returned the feelings I developed for them, even when their words and actions said otherwise.

I think back to The Devil Wears Prada scene when Miranda Priestly tells Andy that she is getting another divorce.

You experience another let down, and it’s feels like it’s your entire fault – you drive them away somehow.

But how do I stop it. All I know to do is keep reflecting and focusing on the current, in the hopes of breaking the patterns of the past.

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