I Gave Up My Power

I sat in the office of my old supervisor working on a project she needed help with Tuesday. As we sat there, she suddenly asked, “Are you okay? You don’t seem like your happy self today?” I said, “Yeah, it’s just early in the day!” But then as I continued to work, I realized she is actually more in touch with my mental self than I am lately. When I left work, I went home to eat lunch in the 15 minutes I have before running off to class. “I changed this semester.” This semester is an extension of last semester, the only difference is that I grew to be easily annoyed with the people around me. I grew to be happy with only talking to select friends in my classes. I became irritated with the fact that all of my close friends are in relationships, and I am single. I let people and situations get to me more than they should. Overall, I gave up my power to others.

By nighttime I was slightly repulsed that I was so out of touch with myself. That I let the aforementioned get to me. I needed to change this. When walking into my room, I looked at my wall. I truly looked at it this time and read the quotes I intended to feel at the core of my heart and mind when I put them up there. “You are responsible for your life.” “No one completes you.” “When you know better, you do better.” “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” but one of the most important is Oprah’s 4th lesson of life, “Be grateful.” Be grateful! I had not stayed true to this one the most. A later addition to my wall was “Live this day for Xand X”  This addition came after the sudden death of a friend’s son.

The worst thing that can happen to a parent it to lose their child. But what makes it worse is when it is suddenly and when they have so much obvious potential. My friend lost her son last fall and we actually went to the same high school even though he was a couple of years younger. When I found out he died, after being shocked and questioning things, I flashed back to the Oprah episode I saw last summer, where Iyanla Vanzant  talks about losing her daughter.  “When I start whining about stuff, I say, “Wait a minute Iyanla! You done put your baby in a box, you can do anything! You can do anything! Shut your mouth!” But before she came to this realization,  she considered killing herself with her daughter’s drugs from cancer treatment or her pink pearl handle pistol and said, “Am I going to take these pills or am I going to shoot myself?” (To watch the full story – Watch the Interview Here) So when I put these situations in context, I realized life is really short and there are people who go through worst situations than I am.

Some days I feel lost, but the place of being I must always be in is grateful. That Tuesday night I decided I will wake up every day and write five things I am grateful for. In the middle of the day I will write five more things I am grateful for. In the last month I focused too much on the clutter of things surrounding me. I gave up my light and happiness to other situations. I want to wake up grateful and wake up knowing myself more. I decided not to let truly irrelevant things to my life bother me as much, but also to dig deep into the past. The past is an ultimate place to derive gratitude from. Every week I want to write a letter to two people in my past that taught me a lesson or affected me for the better. I went to sleep peaceful over this. Yesterday, started a new month, and I felt truly like myself as I went about my day.

Happiness comes from gratitude. When you are grateful for everything you have, you can’t help but be happy.
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