Alone Right Now

I remember walking back upstairs to my room after my mom dropped me off at college. She cried all the way here and as she started to drive off. I remember feeling like we were driving into an unknown. As I walked back into my room and sat down, I thought to myself: This is it. And I’m alone right now.

Trustworthy friends haven’t come easily and when they do, losing them isn’t a far off possibility. It’s hard to run into them. And running into them can feel like a sign to mend things. And you remember the good and the smiles.

I called her knowing we hadn’t spoken for months. It felt good but as each second passed, I realized how distant we had become. I didn’t know who she hung out with these days. Where she lived; where she worked. We use to know everything and now we hardly knew anything. As we hung out, she said to call or text her sometime. I said, “Okay.” But I want her to text me. I want to feel the love.

I turned around and there she was. I turned back around. This didn’t feel like the moment to see each other. I avoided talking to her. When I looked again she was gone. Good. good.

I looked through the glass door and thought what a cute guy. But then he turned all the way around to my direction. This couldn’t be happening. We’ve went all this time without seeing each other and I liked it that way. Life moved on. If I could run into him like this once, it could happen again. I looked at my hand and it was shaking. I was hearing his voice. I was seeing him for the first time in a year. So familiar but different. We both felt each other’s presence but refused to acknowledge it. To acknowledge was to dig up the past. Neither of us would go there

This isn’t the end of our story I believe. It’s a vacation from each other. For how long, I don’t know.

You and I seem to be on new paths. We had fun times but I’m not necessarily looking to start anew.

I trusted you more than I trusted anyone else. But now I would watch every move you make. I knew you at one time but now we’re strangers. Strangers with a past but still strangers.

I learned nostalgia doesn’t mean to revive our past. It also serves as reminders of mistakes. Reminders of the direction to head into with others.

I’ll glance back, but then I’ll stare into the future. Others will come.

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