What We Deserve

Every school break I go home to what feels like some of the same family drama. One person has says something to annoy another, my little brother and sister of course fighting with each other and me starting out this trip home by knowing exactly how many days and hours this ordeal could last. What has changed over the years is how I deal with these situations.

My first love is someone I deeply cared about and still send positive vibes to, but for so long it seemed we ended up on the same roller coaster. Just when I think I’m not on the roller coaster, I realized I’m coming off the high. Our friendship could feel fun, honest and lifelong until it felt manipulative and never really authentic.

I’ve let new people in and sparked friendships that seemed as if they would at least sustain the college journey and then I realized they didn’t have my best interest at heart. This comes in different shapes and forms whether it’s expecting me to be the one who initiated hanging out with things go bad or them always complaining about their life but there not being enough time to even ask about my life.

One day while I believe on the Thought Catalog, I read the idea of when you’re interested in someone, don’t tell yourself “I wonder if they will like me,” but reverse it into, “I wonder if I will like them.” It’s all about attitude.

As I talked with a friend about their potential break-up, I said how it isn’t about whether she wants to be with you but what do you want?

Often we let the outcome of situations depend on what someone said to us, how they feel about us or what we hope in a fairy tale world will happen. What I’m coming to realize (but will take a long time to learn in all facets of life) is that we truly control the outcome.

If I like a guy and I’m talking with him, it isn’t about whether he thinks I’m charming – it’s about being myself and seeing if he can meet me where I am. Do I think he’s charming. If I feel anxious about a friendship or not happy with where it’s taking me, I shouldn’t keep offering them my time until things change, if they change. If I don’t want to hear my brother and sister bickering over a toy, why really concern myself if it isn’t my toy (and they aren’t killing each other).

We accept the love we think we deserve and this is true in a chameleon of ways. We have to be aware that this lesson may be hiding.

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