I feel like I was standing in a room representing my future. There were three doors each representing progress with someone. Guys, or well men for all intents and purposes, stand behind them all. Behind the first was the ever so popular one from my post “He Has a Crush on You.” I could pull open this door at any chosen moment and I chose now. The second had past pain, 16-year-old me ready to move forward in a new way. This one would be pushed open. Behind door number three is my father. But this door is unlike the others. It’s French doors – even more powerful. There is magnitude in having to open two doors at one time.
“He Has a Crush on You” – I chose to open your door first this morning. If you could allow me the same honesty as in my last post involving you then I’ll be open again. I have no regrets. Life belongs to those who take risks. You leave me unanswered but doesn’t that say what basically needs to be said from your side. If I’m under the wrong impression, please correct me. I really do find you “smart and charming” and sexy and fun. My first impressions of you were wrong but in the best way possible. Even when I wrote “He Has a Crush on You” I didn’t realize how likeable you are – how even more attractive you are just based on your spirit. I’m learning to play the game, but I think I’m still at the beginner stage in some areas. However, I still think there is something in you making you your own enemy. I’ve had dreams while I sleep this summer. I haven’t had this many dreams in such a long time. Two of my summer dreams involved you. I projected past dating failures on you, so I guess you could say they’re more like nightmares. They haunt me. They reminded me I’m a feel and take action kind of guy. I took action and now that leaves me with your door open but you just standing there. Staring at me, no words, no movement. Nothingness.
Welcome back door number two. Long time no talk. But we’ve both preferred it that way. More so you this last round but God knows I usually have an influence on how these situations turn out. I was honestly fine with how things were. But you’ve haunted my dreams too. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to know I did everything possible for closure in neat bow. I don’t like things messy on my end. I’ve pushed the door open and I don’t know what the future holds but I needed to feel like I control it more. I was too vulnerable. Like a wounded yet angry animal that turned its back, I knew you might be coming for me and I had to come to you first. I think it’s the only way for these hauntings to stop. There was good with the bad memories, but not as many as good ones as I hoped. Can we finally reach some middle ground?
These French doors are opening slowly as if a windy storm I have already battled once reigns behind it. This is a new battle but once you’ve seen someone’s moves once, you will most likely see them again. I am cautious opening these doors because I don’t want to battle but instead have civil peace talks. Open and honest is hurtful but it also is the only way to heal. Once these doors open fully, be careful because any moves made in this round will not easily forgiven or forgotten.
I stood in the front of three doors. What will happen behind one is still unknown but the first two have left me with nothing thus far – for that I am stronger in this moment but might be weaker when a new door comes along.
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