It wasn’t that I still had feelings for him or really even hoped the text was true. Seeing those words was surreal. I wanted the truth. I wanted him not to be able to play my heart like it felt like the others did. I wanted to feel desirable – someone attracted to me like I was to them or not to them.
“I really like you.”
“Can we talk?”
“Give me one second.”
“Let’s talk now. . . Did you mean what you said?” He looks at me with muddled eyes.
“Don’t yell at me.”
“I’m not yelling at you.”
“Honestly. . . No I didn’t. . .”
“Why did you say that then.”
“I can’t talk about this.” I follow him and say his name, but he squeezes into the crowd. I yell his name. I still see his glimpse back, but he keeps moving.
Anger rushed in! I deserved answers. I didn’t prompt him to tell me he liked me after working so hard to get us in a friendly place.
“You’ll meet someone.” I snap in the car at these words. Words start spewing out of my mouth. As couples surround me, I didn’t want to be told how I would meet someone who would like me. I crush and I’m crushed and I crush again and I’m crushed again. “WHEN!? WHEN WILL I MEET SOMEONE! TELL ME BECAUSE I DON’T SEE IT HAPPENING!” I continue on.
The car stops, and I get out. I rush ahead. I know they have to get things out of my apartment, but I want them out of my apartment. I start peeling off the costume as the door opens. They leave, and I lock the door. Pain rushes over me.
I call a friend miles away and the tears stream out. I go in and out of coherence: Why does this keep happening to me? Why am I undesirable? Why did this happen? I did nothing to make this happen! Why does it seem everyone else jumps from one person to another and here I am?! Everyone always talks about how I have my career and involvement but what good does that do me when at the end of the day I come home alone to myself and things like this keep happening to me. It’s not that I’ve been asked on dates and chose not to. It feels as if no one is attracted to me and that combined with these instances is when it hurts. When I get to hang out with friends and who they are dating and interested in, it feels horrible to be the one alone.
I cease the sobbing. We quote one of our favorite shows, “Everything looks better in the morning light.” And walk to my bed. “It won’t feel that much better in the morning. I’ll still feel hopeless,” I think as I lay there on my bed.
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